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[Editor's note: Why This Song Sucks determines why particular tracks blow using science. ] Song: Justin Bieber's 'Boyfriend' Preemptive Note: Before we get into this, and I don't think this is weird to mention because it's so obviously true, but you'll need to turn off your libido when examining this song. Otherwise your data will be for shit because, dudes, Justin Bieber is smoking hot now. I mean, look at him. He's like a non-threatening young Brad Pitt.

I guess there's no real way to verify it, but I'm willing to bet that when God finished making him, he was like, 'Fuck yeah, bros! And then just started giving everyone Delicate One Fives*. It's like Bieber watched a movie Timberlake was in, kind of remembered he had made music at one point, Googled him, downloaded Justified, listened to it, then was like, 'Hmmm. This is cool. When did this come out?

Did they even have the Internet in 2001? I bet I could copy this and nobody would even notice. Yep, that's it.MOOOOOM!

GET THE FUCK IN HERE! I'VE GOT A BRILLIANT IDEA!' I mean, bros, Timberlake was telling girls he wanted to write them symphonies. Here are some things that get mentioned before the end of the second verse of 'Boyfriend': fondue, swaggie (whether this is a variation of the term 'swag' or a small dog is never clarified), weather-based metaphors and Buzz motherfucking Lightyear. HE ACTUALLY SAID HE WANTS TO BE YOUR 'BUZZ LIGHTYEAR, FLY ACROSS THE GLOBE.' You have successfully signed up for your selected newsletter(s) - please keep an eye on your mailbox, we're movin' in! (II) N' Sync had a song in 2002 called 'Girlfriend' that is just about the exact same as this one ('Boyfriend': 'If I was your boyfriend, I'd never let you go'; 'Girlfriend': 'Won't you be my girlfriend, I'll treat you good') and I didn't even bother to mention it because it was too easy. Shablon genealogicheskoe drevo dlya detej.